unlisted blog drafting page: fuck google drive

if youre in here i assume you're okay with unrefined and UNFINISHED thoughts (

working title: adhd woes


The annoying thing about my ADHD is that I struggle to do things that I want to do. I want to program, I want to make things. But I can't without accountability. I can have all of these projects, and if I am not entirely engulfed I just will not do anything. I can't just set my own deadlines and goals. I have to have my time structured by others mostly unilaterally. I can learn to do math, I can learn to do programming, even when it gets tough if I am put on the line for school. I just. ugh.

I've been wanting to get a new job for some time. Not to imply that my job is horrible. No. Not at all. It's actually been one of the best jobs I've had. My coworkers are wonderful. My boss is capable and passionate, the owner is down-to-earth. It meshes with my ADHD most of the time. But food service; it isn't for me in the long term. It's a deadend for the career I want, and it chews up my ability to regenerate spoons for furthering my life. I really would like to do something with computers. Specifically, i want to be able to "do it all". I want to work with hardware, software, infrastructure, system administration. A little bit of everything, bouncing from section to section . I'm a helper by nature, I'm at my best when I am assisting someone, or taking charge in crisis when I'm the last resort.

some stuff about criteria that makes it hard to get a job like this

  • It's gotta similar to my current job (so i can still, ykno. live.)
  • actually somewhat in the field im trying to study for
  • not more than 40 mins away by car
  • willing and able to deal with my adhd (and undiagnosed autism)
    • i am NOT self-motivated without apparent structure
    • I'm not socially adept in-person.
  • student friendly (unless crazy lucrative):
    • does not require me to relocate*
    • part-time
    • hires me without experience or a formal portfolio

these criteria litterally disqualify everything i see on job boards and gets me really depressed. i just want to work a job thats more fufiling to my career goals. im not saying my current job isnt fufilling, but food service is just not where i want to be in perpetuity. and fuck student loans. not doing it. I've been dawdling about getting a comptia cert, but it's hundreds of dollars. If i fuck it up, that's hundreds lost.

fuckin. im almost 21. why am i acting like i gotta get my shit together like there's no fuckin time.

So like ADHD the primary paint point. Not my job. I saw a podcast that like talks about translating adhd and it was like "wtf so relatable". Trying to apply it to my life. I realize that too much of my life is driven on fear and adrenaline. I need to better focus my goals off of being stressed 24/7. I have to use it sparingly, strategically. pause, disrupt, and pivot. still dont know what that exactly means.

just like what

god my adhd sucks sometimes

obligatory: if you or your employer is hiring and you can help me actually get seen by hr shoot me an email (suspicious bee.movie), and i'll send my resume and business email address.

"so what do you specialize in?"


"Okay, so what do you do


acer nitro 5 2017 retro spec. outline bs


okay ykno what imm a fuckin write a review of my laptop. do it right. do it thoroughly. do it professionally. add in my life for seasoning. make it into a full-ass video, bee roll and everythign. im gonna make it happen. just you watch

okay for fucks sake, dont SAY. DO - future me, now

bro this thing has lasted through several phases of my life, only huge complaint is the battery life and the hinges

i got it at this time

do i dare mention "December 2018 Incident"

kicked out incident?

college, high school

hinges fuckin broke

heavy as shit until i removed hard drive

works suprisingly well with linux distros

shill endeavoros

tried garuda linux and i just found it to be too overstimulating. i just wanted a no-bullshit linux experience lmao

current use case: chatting in bed with full ass keyboard, college 2 electric boogaloo, runs CS:S. run bench marks

screen is matte, but a lil reflective

looks a bit dim, "washed out"

struggles with bright environmnts such as a daylight lit room

thinkpad wont get great battery. it has double the amount of battery compared to my old laptop but i cant get more than 6 or 7 hours of life because the batteries are old. I am wary of non-oem batteries from alibiaba, but a full oem replacement of both batteries would be almost 200 bucks. Im kinda sad that new thinkpads dont have as many removable components. I hope that framework catches on so that this repair and upgradable ecosystem thrives. (also so i can catch a phasing out of a business laptop for super cheap in 5 years lol)

Dawn of the New-old gender

im agender

it took so long to realize despite being SO CLOSE


like when i realized i was cisn't i thoguth i was boyflux, i thought i maybe was agender.

LIKE SERIOUSLY. its got agender right in there

i didnt understandd that expression does not mean identity at a deep level until recently. I first considered myself a girl when I was experimenting with pronouns. and i thought i was feminine nonbinary because it just felt better than boyhood. i misinterpreted the lack of gender as femininity, and i thought my want to lightly be feminine meant i was destined to be a binary woman.

of course i dont* care about my gender; i had none in the first place

*kind of; type explanation here.

so like. i never gave a SHIT about my gender when i was younger, it was sidelined, extra. supurfluous. when my endogenous puberty began i felt... off with the changes and that made me eventually realized that i was cisnt

i just knew eventually that virtually all cis people feel... something wtih their gender. and that made me realize that maybe I was a girl. picturing myself that way felt sort of better, and it was a lot better than the alternative of letting my body get more and more masculinized. I needed this body to get feminine, but i wasnt sure by how much. it was like a "i need to go this direction"

i wouldn't have it any other way. no really. i'd be depressed or dead without e. my body is aligned with just what feels comfortable to me. it affirms my lack of gender, it always has. I dont really know a good way to explain it yet. but is that really neccisary? do i really need to justify myself. maybe not. i dont really feel a need.

i had been thinking about this for more than a year, ive had weird contradictions and i was realizing i was having the same reactions with being a binary transgender woman

it was a unique dysphoria; I was passing (and still do pass a lot), i liked the changes my body was getting. but I really really struggled to call myself a girl, like i did when i thought i was a boy... I got skilled, but it either way felt... untrue. I was in this cyclicle nature of "im a girl because i check boxes xyz". What was going on is that I didn't understand that expression is not identity.

not imposter syndrome etc. uh

unfinished blah blah

weird dysphoria and euphoria. people have assumed im both amab and afab before, was a weird feeling.

i just dont feel like i have a gender

i weirdly feel more comfortable and happy shoutin out im agender before saying im trans (internalized transphobia?? or something more)

"scott the woz" drip LMAO

my gender is irrelevant, and i need people to see that productively and accuratly. there is no correct way to see my gender because I dont have one. It's not applicable. People who misgender me are maybe attempting to "figure out" my gender, which is no bueno.

i want to make it so that people cannot figure out if im transmasc or transfem, it might be its very own breed of adrogyny

i felt really jealous of many enby people at my school, like a lot